Isolation

I will never forget the ride home from the Dr. office on what I chose to call D-Day.  Looking in the back seat and seeing my  gorgeous child smiling and moving back and forth to the music, knowing I had to go tell my parents that  what I had suspected was the truth for sometime was now officially confirmed.  Autistic Disorder Mild to Moderate.  There it was in black and white along with the numbers of how horribly low he scored on a basic developmental test.  I had to go tell my parents then my grandmother, then the extended family, my friends, my co-workers. My stomach was in a knot.  His father was with me but by that time we were  no longer together and I couldn't care less what his reaction was, because I was absolutely sure it didn't even come close to the devastation I was feeling.  It was surreal.  Was he now a different child than the one who woke up this morning?  I remember thinking that I had to stay strong no matter what even though I was dying inside.  All kinds of emotions came bursting to the surface, but the one that permeated in my soul was that I was now part of a hopeless  group of losers that people either felt sorry for,  or just didn't really care about because they either couldn't relate or would stay away not knowing what to say.   How was I going to face anyone?   Then I had visions of kids making fun of him, and like a shot to my heart  I started to remember that there were kids in  school that I made fun of and my heart just dropped.    I thought about the parents of those kids and I thought about how  I thought I was so invincible.  I figured this was my punishment, this was my life now and I deserved every bit of it.  How dare I make fun of those kids?  What the hell was the matter with me and what was missing inside me that  prevented me from having the compassion and knowledge to realize that those kids did  not ask for their affliction?  Holy shit  NOW I AM SCREWED!  The guilt started coming in waves, shooting up the entire length of my body, and I was barely out of the parking lot of the Dr.  Office.   I never felt more alone and isolated in my life.  Zach's Dad was with me and he was trying to talk to me and was asking me so many stupid questions that I did not have the answers to.  I just wanted him to disappear and leave me the hell alone.  I wanted to grab Zach and run as far away as we could so that I would not have to explain anything to anyone.  Some people reach out for support but I was just so god damn angry and petrified.  And again I turned around and there was my sweet innocent little boy who was just doing his thing sitting in his car seat with a fist full of match box cars humming and kicking the seat.  Tears streaming down my face I dumped his Dad off and went to my parents house to break the news to them.  I wanted to disappear and never ever come back, meanwhile all around me people were doing their thing. It was the beginning of spring and people were out walking, driving, shopping, laughing?!  Laughing???  How could they be laughing?  Didn't they know?  I was sure I would never ever laugh or smile again, I was doomed.  Life as I knew it was over.  Every single dream I had was shattered, smashed, busted like shards of broken glass.  Welcome to my f-ing life.  The guilt became almost unbearable.  Here I was fresh out of college, newly single with a whole new career and life ahead of me and now this.....