The sludge

A few weeks ago, after we opened our swimming pool, we realized that no matter how much shock, chlorine, baking soda or WHATEVER we did, this pool looked as though at any minute  the creature from the black ( or shall I say green ) lagoon was going to come slithering out.   The water was thick,  heavy,  filthy,  dirty and downright disgusting.  I braced myself for the unpleasant task of draining the entire pool, and getting to the bottom of whatever was causing this swamp land that was once our swimming pool. 

It was a hot humid day, I sent Zach and Ron off on their way and armed with my ipod, I went out and began the draining process.  I sat on the edge of the deck mesmorized by the pump sucking up all the water and watching it drain in all of it's filth into the grass on the side of the pool.  As I watched the pump suck up the water I couldn't help but notice  that the water in that pool was very symbolic of how my mind and my brain had been feeling as of late.  Weighed down with sludge, bad feelings, feelings of fear and jealousy and scarcity and lack and regret and pity, and I imagined that is what these feelings would  look like if you can see them.  I heard the drain gurgling to try to suck it all up but sometimes the sludge was just too much for it and I would have to reposition the drain and the hose in order to get the best suction and get rid of this wasteland that had built up.  Again I thought about my mind.  I got in the pool knee deep in gunk and started sweeping all of the crap into the pump.  I admit it was very therapeutic watching the black dirty water get sucked up and drained.  My mind was very much like this pool.  I had been sweeping the sludge from one end of my brain  to the other, I had been throwing chemicals into the sludge hoping that it  would disappear.  It became very clear to me that you can throw all of the chemicals you want into your brain but the only way to get rid of the sludge once and for all is to drain it and pour in  fresh water.  Disguising  it, hiding  it or trying  to cover it up with pretty smelling chemicals  only mask what is really underneath.   You have to get in there, knee deep and feel it.  I mean really feel it.  You need to visualize what these dark negative feelings look like and how they affect your "pool"  I symbolically thought to empty out the entire contents of my mind and watch the grime flow through the hose and back into the ground where it can be purifyed by nature.  The mind can be emptied by sweet bouts of surrender and meditation and being humble enough to admit that when your pool gets dirty or clogged, there is no easy fix.  Once the pool was empty, I sat back  and  admired how blank and fresh and clean and pure it looked.  I hooked up the hose and watched as clear clean water started to slowly flow into the big empty space.  What garbage was polluting MY pool?   This mundane task that I dreaded so much at first, started my wheels turning.  It was more than just draining the pool, something else was happening. 

Pity Party

Well here it is, it's been on my mind for days now, and try as I might to wish it away and go on rampages of appreciation, and give thanks for what I have and all that jazz, I realize that another school year will  be upon us soon.  This school year marks a special milestone in every parents life.  This is the year that would be Zachary's senior year. Yes the exciting senior year, so many choices, so many possibilities, so much excitement right? 
Well, this household does not need to search around and find a photographer who takes way too many pictures, charges way too much money and guilts parents into buying massive packages that they can't afford, but also can't refuse.  Nope!  None of that here.  There will be no college applications, SAT's  senior projects, volunteer opportunities, senior pranks, skip days, and no talking about becoming a responsible adult ready to go out into the world and make his mark.  I guess I am spared about teaching my son how to treat a girlfriend and how to be responsible for his actions.  I don't have to fear that  the crowd he is hanging with is no good for him, I don't have to sit  up late at night waiting for him to bring the car home and hoping he will make the right choices regarding peer pressure.  We don't need to have the talk about choosing a college major that will provide him a decent living and help him become a contributing member of the work force.
My son's senior year for me, is filled with researching the technicalities of becoming his legal guardian and representative payee when he reapplies for Social Security Disability.  I will be busy  researching choices of where he is going to go once school is out.  Do I send him to a day program for special needs adults, do I try to find him a "special needs vocation"?  I have to face the reality that my boy will always be with me and  the choices in my life aren't really choices they are more like "best options".  What will coincide with my work schedule?  Will my parents be able to help out?  Will the place I send him be safe? What if he doesn't like his new placement?   What plans do I have in place when my parents who have been a god-send for  us are no longer around?  What plans do I have in place for when I am no longer around?  This is where my brain usually shuts down because it is too painful. 
These questions roll around in my mind everyday, meanwhile life still goes on, bills keep rolling in, responsibilities increase, options decrease and I am not getting any younger.  My mind is tired, it flips and flops from being enlightened to frightened, to pissed off, to jealous, to grateful, to confused, to guilty for feeling this way.   So here is my pity party, it's out there, it's real, I will overcome it because I always do, and I will pull the strength from somwhere.

What do I want for you

It is so easy to think about all of the things in the world that we do not want.  The list is endless.  I don't want debt, I don't want to clean, I don't want to wake up in the morning, I don't want to watch every little morsel of food I put in to my mouth, I don't want cellulite, I don't want grey hair, I don't want to spend my hard earned money on bills, I don't want the money I earn to have to be "hard earned"  I think you get my drift.  Imagine if we flipped the script ( I just love that saying and have been searching for a chance to use it). Oooooh what fun that would be.  Focusing ONLY on what we DO want

At first I imagine my list would go something like this, I want oodles of money to live comfortably, I want the perfect figure, I want to de-clutter my home and my life, I want to go on a vacation, I want to open my closet and actually be stumped as to what to wear each day because there are so many fabulous clothes, lots of cool handbags and totes, I want a lightening fast computer with all sorts of cool softwear, I want an Ipad, Ipod, Iphone, an endless supply of peanut M&M's, a hot pink Toyota SUV that is good on gas, new furniture, a new stereo system, I want to drink 10 corona beers and not wake up with a hangover,I want a well stocked refrigerator, ( the kind that makes it's own ice and pours water), I want an endless supply of books on my kindle, glowing skin, and my own gym.  I want straight silky hair, perfectly plucked eyebrows, pedicure, manicure and a lifetime of facials and spa luxuries.

I imagine having all of that would be so much fun, so delightfully delicious, so endulging and satisfying.  And while all of those things are fabulous and there is nothing wrong with wealth and having nice things and treating yourself wonderful, the real question is sure to come up  again and again. after the initial bliss of material possesions begins to sink in.  What is it that I truly want?

These are the answers I came up with.  I want to be there for Zachary in the morning when I send him off to school.  I want to make him breakfast and laugh with him and send him off on his day, relaxed and calm. I want him to leave in the morning without feeling rushed and pulled and prodded like cattle, because Mom has to be to work on time so she can  please other people.  I want to be there for Zach and Ron when they get home.  I want to be in the house, with all of their clean clothes and supper cooking  while I make Zach a snack and we go through his backpack together and see what he did during the day.  I want financial freedom to be able to do this without feeling like some antiquated throwback form the 50's.  I want to spend my days doing the things I love to do, instead of squeezing them in at night between laundry, showers, cleaning up, and pure exhaustion.  Most of all I want to find out who I really am. without apologizing to anyone, especially myself.  I want to do this with the absence of judgement, FROM MYSELF.  The absence of guilt from MYSELF.  Who was it that said life had to be such a struggle?   I watch Zachary and how he lives.  Simple living he is ruled by his ID but has leaned how to control it.  If zach wants to sleep after school he does, if he wants to roam around in the middle of the night listening to music, he does that too.  If he loves standing out in the yard by the trees for hours at a time, doing what we all call nothing, he does it.  If he runs from the pool to the hot tub back to the pool back to the hot tub, he does it.  He makes sure he is true to himself, everyday.  For the longest time, I tried to set an example for Zachary, he has a very good work ethic, he wakes up every morning and does what he needs to do without complaining but he makes sure he also does what he WANTS to do.  I am learning from him in so many ways.  I am in awe of his simple lessons he teaches me everyday.  He has started a burning inside me to ask those important questions of myself.  What is it that truly makes me happy?  Zach knows that when he is happy I am happy.  I need to keep watching and learning from him.  I am so proud of the person he is and the person he has turned me into.  I began talking to him as though he is a silent monk who has all of the wisdom of the wise men inside of him.  He teaches me by his example.  How lucky I am .