Pity Party

Well here it is, it's been on my mind for days now, and try as I might to wish it away and go on rampages of appreciation, and give thanks for what I have and all that jazz, I realize that another school year will  be upon us soon.  This school year marks a special milestone in every parents life.  This is the year that would be Zachary's senior year. Yes the exciting senior year, so many choices, so many possibilities, so much excitement right? 
Well, this household does not need to search around and find a photographer who takes way too many pictures, charges way too much money and guilts parents into buying massive packages that they can't afford, but also can't refuse.  Nope!  None of that here.  There will be no college applications, SAT's  senior projects, volunteer opportunities, senior pranks, skip days, and no talking about becoming a responsible adult ready to go out into the world and make his mark.  I guess I am spared about teaching my son how to treat a girlfriend and how to be responsible for his actions.  I don't have to fear that  the crowd he is hanging with is no good for him, I don't have to sit  up late at night waiting for him to bring the car home and hoping he will make the right choices regarding peer pressure.  We don't need to have the talk about choosing a college major that will provide him a decent living and help him become a contributing member of the work force.
My son's senior year for me, is filled with researching the technicalities of becoming his legal guardian and representative payee when he reapplies for Social Security Disability.  I will be busy  researching choices of where he is going to go once school is out.  Do I send him to a day program for special needs adults, do I try to find him a "special needs vocation"?  I have to face the reality that my boy will always be with me and  the choices in my life aren't really choices they are more like "best options".  What will coincide with my work schedule?  Will my parents be able to help out?  Will the place I send him be safe? What if he doesn't like his new placement?   What plans do I have in place when my parents who have been a god-send for  us are no longer around?  What plans do I have in place for when I am no longer around?  This is where my brain usually shuts down because it is too painful. 
These questions roll around in my mind everyday, meanwhile life still goes on, bills keep rolling in, responsibilities increase, options decrease and I am not getting any younger.  My mind is tired, it flips and flops from being enlightened to frightened, to pissed off, to jealous, to grateful, to confused, to guilty for feeling this way.   So here is my pity party, it's out there, it's real, I will overcome it because I always do, and I will pull the strength from somwhere.