Yesterday was a strange day. All day long I was haunted by anger, rage and that hollow feeling you get when you know you have been unfairly wronged. it wasn't anything or anyone specific, It was just one of those days when everything seemed unfair and I had a lot of thoughts of revenge and what not. Obviously this is not a place where I want to be. i kept wondering why am I feeling this way when I am really making a conscious effort to change, surrender and accept. It really bugged me because the feelings appeared to be valid.
I started to remember some really profound lessons that I learned when I was studying the Course in Miracles a few years back. For one, it is good to know that this stuff comes back to you when you need it, but if you don't make a valiant effort to continue to be a student, you don't have access to it's wise solutions instantly, which is I guess what I need to keep working on. Anywho....... I remembered a very wise clause. " do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Most days I want to be happy but yesterday I just wanted to be right.
It's amazing how comfortable the feelings of being a victim and a martyr can be. As the day went by and I allowed myself to wallow in my anger, I started remembering other quotes and clauses and they kept coming back to me. " you can't change the thoughts unless you acknowledge them" " feelings need to come up before they come out" " when you plan an attack on someone even if it is mentally, the sword is really just coming down on your own head"
The prevailing message I was getting was that it is OK to feel these emotions, but it wasn't OK to keep them. The Course in Miracles states that all you have to do is show up for life with a willingness to believe that there is something bigger than what is really happening, and all you have to do is acknowledge where you are falling short, ask for a miracle and let the rest go. Sounds easy. I really was not in the mood for a spiritual cleanse yesterday, I just wanted to wallow in my anger.
I know from my own experiences though that wallowing in anger sets up a ripple effect and no matter how much I think that my silent anger is not affecting others around me, I could not be more wrong. It affects everything. Every little disappointment is magnified and almost justified when you are coming from the place of anger. You start to set up self fulfilling prophecies. Your outlook on life is directly related to what happens to you in life, it is
certain. So what do you do?
Well towards the end of the day, I realized that is wasn't fair to myself or my family to be walking around with such toxic emotions. By allowing myself to feel the emotions all day, I actually got sick of them by the end of the night. There was a part of me that wanted to start berating myself for having these feelings in the first place. After all I am trying to walk a different path by making some major changes in my life, changes which do not include being angry, resentful, jealous and revenge seeking. I decided not to keep these feelings, I don't want them. Again, I started to remember the teachings of a Course in Miracles, it is not up to me to change the feelings. All I have to do is allow them to come up and then affirm that they do not serve me in any way. This is different than stuffing them down and pretending that they don't exist because we all know THAT DOESN'T WORK! I got out a pencil and paper and in a good old fashioned way, I wrote down the names and situations of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that was bothering me. By the time I got to the end of the list I started to feel some relief and release. The last person on the list was myself. If I was going to call people out on being assholes, I might as well call myself out as well.
Ironically the daily message that Marianne Williamson, (my favorite author and interpreter of A Course in Miracles) shared with her fans yesterday was this and I quote
I started to remember some really profound lessons that I learned when I was studying the Course in Miracles a few years back. For one, it is good to know that this stuff comes back to you when you need it, but if you don't make a valiant effort to continue to be a student, you don't have access to it's wise solutions instantly, which is I guess what I need to keep working on. Anywho....... I remembered a very wise clause. " do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Most days I want to be happy but yesterday I just wanted to be right.
It's amazing how comfortable the feelings of being a victim and a martyr can be. As the day went by and I allowed myself to wallow in my anger, I started remembering other quotes and clauses and they kept coming back to me. " you can't change the thoughts unless you acknowledge them" " feelings need to come up before they come out" " when you plan an attack on someone even if it is mentally, the sword is really just coming down on your own head"
The prevailing message I was getting was that it is OK to feel these emotions, but it wasn't OK to keep them. The Course in Miracles states that all you have to do is show up for life with a willingness to believe that there is something bigger than what is really happening, and all you have to do is acknowledge where you are falling short, ask for a miracle and let the rest go. Sounds easy. I really was not in the mood for a spiritual cleanse yesterday, I just wanted to wallow in my anger.
I know from my own experiences though that wallowing in anger sets up a ripple effect and no matter how much I think that my silent anger is not affecting others around me, I could not be more wrong. It affects everything. Every little disappointment is magnified and almost justified when you are coming from the place of anger. You start to set up self fulfilling prophecies. Your outlook on life is directly related to what happens to you in life, it is
certain. So what do you do?
Well towards the end of the day, I realized that is wasn't fair to myself or my family to be walking around with such toxic emotions. By allowing myself to feel the emotions all day, I actually got sick of them by the end of the night. There was a part of me that wanted to start berating myself for having these feelings in the first place. After all I am trying to walk a different path by making some major changes in my life, changes which do not include being angry, resentful, jealous and revenge seeking. I decided not to keep these feelings, I don't want them. Again, I started to remember the teachings of a Course in Miracles, it is not up to me to change the feelings. All I have to do is allow them to come up and then affirm that they do not serve me in any way. This is different than stuffing them down and pretending that they don't exist because we all know THAT DOESN'T WORK! I got out a pencil and paper and in a good old fashioned way, I wrote down the names and situations of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that was bothering me. By the time I got to the end of the list I started to feel some relief and release. The last person on the list was myself. If I was going to call people out on being assholes, I might as well call myself out as well.
Ironically the daily message that Marianne Williamson, (my favorite author and interpreter of A Course in Miracles) shared with her fans yesterday was this and I quote
3 comments:
exactly, right Lesa, I have felt that way many times. you put it all down to a tee. thanks for sharing that, it's not always easy to admit we have those thoughts, but we are all human and we all have these bad days.your easy way of describing these things is amazing. it takes the reader right to the heart of the subject, and most of us can relate, because, truthfully every one struggles.can't wait for your next post, I love reading them! love, Mom
Cita, The most powerful thing we can do is be with all of who we are without judgment...not easy but loving ourselves through all of our feelings is the only answer! Yes, I agree we are always students and our work is whatever comes up each day! Thanks for sharing where you are and helping each of us be okay with where we are!
Lesa,
Thanks for the post. Wow that is powerful. Just by releaseing those feelings and then turning it over to God You can start a whole new lifestyle. great stuff that we can all use when we are down. I`ve been there too long and too many times.
Would love to sit and bat the breeze with you again sometime. I think you could teach me alot about myself. thanks again! Marvie
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