Did you ever wake up and just out of no where, a wave of anxiety comes over you that almost knocks you the ground, and tries to consume you whole? That happened to me this morning, I started thinking about Christmas and how it used to be with so many loved ones who were once such a part of my life now gone, I started remembering how fun it was to have Christmas Club money and go out and buy presents and decorate and have that innocent spirit, and want to play Christmas songs and all that jazz, and lately it has just been such a different kind of feeling. Missing loved ones, never enough money for everyday expenses let alone Christmas presents, then the ripple effect starts with how am I going to pay this and who is gonna take care of Zach when I have to get another job, and ugh! All that BS, Luckily this morning I was able to stop it dead in it's tracks and realize it was just a trick my mind was playing on me. So I took a few deep breaths and started to pray for that miracle, today's miracle was just praying for the trust I have been yearning for. The trust that no matter what is happening outside of myself, inside there is a place of peace that no one can touch. Meditation is really under-rated, just quieting your mind and letting each worry pop in the air like popping
a balloon is a very powerful anecdote to anxiety. I also have a visual that I use that really helps me that I would love to share. I imagine myself in this room, that is decorated with all sorts of neat things, it is the perfect temperature and it smells of all of my favorite things, vanilla, sage, Cinnamon, citrus, baked cookies, any smell I can think of that brings
me happiness. So I am in this room and there is a washing machine in the room, I prefer my washing machine to look like a big red apple, ( don't ask, maybe its because I love my IPAD so much I don't know) So i go over to my big red apple and picture myself putting all of my problems and fears into this beautiful red apple that has that wonderful apple pectin smell. I visually can see the fears in my mind, money worries, health concerns, general anxiety, fear of failure,all of the stuff that worries me so deeply and put them in the machine one by one. Once they
are In that machine, it starts to play beautiful music and I imagine them all not disappearing but being cleansed, renewed, reformed, rejuvenated, cleaned and purified into managable parts that I can work with. I cannot tell you how much this visual has helped me. I program my mind that once these problems are put into this special machine, I no longer have
to worry about them. They are being cleansed. I use this technique a lot and it helps. It
helps me to fall asleep at night. I swear if I close my eyes and think deeply enough I can
actually smell the bleach ( which for some reason is one of my favorite scents). So I did this
this morning, then I found a beautiful rendition of How Great Thou Art sung by Carrie
Underwood and I bought it from the i tunes store. I grabbed a blanket and pleaded with Zach to
snuggle up with me. WE put our headphones on and listened as this beautiful humbling song
played into our minds. He layed with me so quiet and still and the words were so beautiful
they just stung my eyes with tears and I felt so humble. How small my problems all began to
seem. I guess my point is that we all have those feelings of dread and doom and gloom, and they are not fun, but it is what we do with them that matters. Sure we can get up and start to distract ourselves by shopping, cleaning, watching TV or whatever we do to take our minds off of our worries but isn't it so much better to acknowledge them and release them. If it needs to be done every day isn't it worth it? The next step is THE hardest and that is getting back on with your everyday life with the trust in place that I did something about them today. I didn't just mask them and try to forget about them. I mentioned before, these feelings come up for a reason, and if they don't come up, how are they going to come out. It may take everyday to do this but I am convinced that a few minutes in the morning or anytime during the day can make for a much more relaxing mood where I may actually have the right mindset to do productive things about my problems that are not a desperate attempt fueled by worry but are a genuine attempt fueled by trust. And THAT is what makes the whole difference. So for today again, I choose to trust that what is happening is happening for a reason. It can't hurt, it can only help. We are all a work in progress and I am so in awe of my son, who genuinely lives for the moment, he has no regrets of the past and no worries of the future, he is engaged right now in the present. He is so much more in tune with the divine. Our snuggling session this morning made me feel like I was in the presence of something so much greater than all of the sickening worries of the world. I was brought to my knees by gratitude and the feelings of anxiety began to melt away, until the next time, which I am sure there will be, but rather than fight it, I am going to roll with it and see where it takes me. Have a great day everyone, and keep that feeling of gratitude in your heart no matter how hard. Real life can be such a bitch sometimes, I have not become a sap, I just feel more comfortable and relieved handing over my control to a power that works FOR me and not AGAINST me. I have some very cute Zach stories that will be coming up in future posts, and I am so stoked about my new website, so stay tuned.
a balloon is a very powerful anecdote to anxiety. I also have a visual that I use that really helps me that I would love to share. I imagine myself in this room, that is decorated with all sorts of neat things, it is the perfect temperature and it smells of all of my favorite things, vanilla, sage, Cinnamon, citrus, baked cookies, any smell I can think of that brings
me happiness. So I am in this room and there is a washing machine in the room, I prefer my washing machine to look like a big red apple, ( don't ask, maybe its because I love my IPAD so much I don't know) So i go over to my big red apple and picture myself putting all of my problems and fears into this beautiful red apple that has that wonderful apple pectin smell. I visually can see the fears in my mind, money worries, health concerns, general anxiety, fear of failure,all of the stuff that worries me so deeply and put them in the machine one by one. Once they
are In that machine, it starts to play beautiful music and I imagine them all not disappearing but being cleansed, renewed, reformed, rejuvenated, cleaned and purified into managable parts that I can work with. I cannot tell you how much this visual has helped me. I program my mind that once these problems are put into this special machine, I no longer have
to worry about them. They are being cleansed. I use this technique a lot and it helps. It
helps me to fall asleep at night. I swear if I close my eyes and think deeply enough I can
actually smell the bleach ( which for some reason is one of my favorite scents). So I did this
this morning, then I found a beautiful rendition of How Great Thou Art sung by Carrie
Underwood and I bought it from the i tunes store. I grabbed a blanket and pleaded with Zach to
snuggle up with me. WE put our headphones on and listened as this beautiful humbling song
played into our minds. He layed with me so quiet and still and the words were so beautiful
they just stung my eyes with tears and I felt so humble. How small my problems all began to
seem. I guess my point is that we all have those feelings of dread and doom and gloom, and they are not fun, but it is what we do with them that matters. Sure we can get up and start to distract ourselves by shopping, cleaning, watching TV or whatever we do to take our minds off of our worries but isn't it so much better to acknowledge them and release them. If it needs to be done every day isn't it worth it? The next step is THE hardest and that is getting back on with your everyday life with the trust in place that I did something about them today. I didn't just mask them and try to forget about them. I mentioned before, these feelings come up for a reason, and if they don't come up, how are they going to come out. It may take everyday to do this but I am convinced that a few minutes in the morning or anytime during the day can make for a much more relaxing mood where I may actually have the right mindset to do productive things about my problems that are not a desperate attempt fueled by worry but are a genuine attempt fueled by trust. And THAT is what makes the whole difference. So for today again, I choose to trust that what is happening is happening for a reason. It can't hurt, it can only help. We are all a work in progress and I am so in awe of my son, who genuinely lives for the moment, he has no regrets of the past and no worries of the future, he is engaged right now in the present. He is so much more in tune with the divine. Our snuggling session this morning made me feel like I was in the presence of something so much greater than all of the sickening worries of the world. I was brought to my knees by gratitude and the feelings of anxiety began to melt away, until the next time, which I am sure there will be, but rather than fight it, I am going to roll with it and see where it takes me. Have a great day everyone, and keep that feeling of gratitude in your heart no matter how hard. Real life can be such a bitch sometimes, I have not become a sap, I just feel more comfortable and relieved handing over my control to a power that works FOR me and not AGAINST me. I have some very cute Zach stories that will be coming up in future posts, and I am so stoked about my new website, so stay tuned.
2 comments:
Lesa, beautiful words, Zach is a great example of living life in the now. thanks for sharing you thoughts. I love every blog, you are a gift to all of us! Love, Mom
Thanks mom, it was a beautiful thing.
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