Well it's been two months now since I have decided to leave my job, and give myself some much needed respite from the rat race. I wake up in the morning and there is so much peace in the house. All of the nonsense that used to go on every morning has miraculously disappeared and I am starting to realize where much of the sludge came from. It's hard to explain just how difficult it is raising a child with autism. Routine is so important and those mornings when times seems to fly by, those kind of mornings where you stand by the cofee machine waiting for it to get done and you look and 20 precious minutes have gone by and you have done absolutely nothing.
Some mornings I would send Zach into the shower while I ran around trying to pull my self together ( a task that gets harder and harder as the years go by) I would give him about 20 minutes in the shower before I would go in and supervise and make sure he is washing up and not just playing around. So I would hear the shower running, knock on the door thinking that he was in the shower, only to find him sitting nude on the toilet, with a towel over his head laughing his ass off. These moments are sweet and funny but not when you have that constant tick tick tick of the clock in your ear. So I start yelling, Zach!!!! The bus is going to be here in 15 minutes you still have to shower, take your meds, eat, brush your teeth, get dressed, and then start your routine of finding the perfect electronic music device that you are going to take to school that day. UGH! So the panic would start to creep in, and I would start pushing and prodding and put him in the shower and wash him up my self, ( yep thats what I have to do ) Meanwhile anything I did myself to my hair or makeup was imediately ruined by the steam of the shower and the sweating and panicking of not getting to work on time. Zach has no concept of time, nor does he care about time, he moves along slowly enjoying the cool water and the soapy loofah while I am getting out his meds, putting toothpaste on his brush, running outside to my trunk to get his lunch and snack that I had to hide so he wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and eat it. I still have to get dressed, get my stuff together, I go to get his clothes that I carefully laid out the night before, only to find that he found them and threw them down the cellar and mixed them nicely in with the dirty laundry laying in the basket. I try to find him different clothes only to realize that they are all thrown down the cellar and mixed in with the dirty clothes. By this time, I am going through the clothes trying to find the cleanest dirty ones, throw them in the dryer with a fresh dryer sheet, get him out of the shower only to find that there are no clean towels, despite the fact that I just washed them all the day before. (Zach has a habit of getting up in the middle of the night, and he has himself quite the little party, he takes a few showers, changes into new clothes each time he does and throws the clothes and the towels in the basement when he is done with them.) So I am doing all of this, meanwhile the damn cat is so pissed that I haven't fed him yet, he is running through my legs trying to trip me. I am drying Zach off with my robe, because it is the only dry thing in the house, I convince him to please take his meds before he brushes his teeth, cuz, well it just seems like it would be more pleasant for him that way. He takes his meds,, starts to brush his teeth, I run upstairs and look in my closet and hate everything I own, plus I look like I just ran the new york marathon and I figure you can't shine shit, so I throw on whatever I can find, not even remembering that I may have worn the same outfit one day prior. I come downstairs and Zach is still nude brushing his teeth and taking his own sweet time. I run down the cellar to get the clean dirty clothes out of the dryer all the while looking at the huge piles of laundry that will be waiting for me when I get home from work. I have to get him get dressed, realize his shorts are on backwards ( and by this time, I couldn't care less), his socks are not as white as I would have liked them to be. He has stubble growing all over his face, even though I swear I shaved him the day before yesterday. I take a big gulp of coffee which has been sitting there for twenty minutes, only to discover it is ice cold. I can't find my keys, the clock is ticking, the bus is late, his mp3 player is dying, I have a bag full of double A batteries, but the one he wants to take to school today requires TRIPLE A batteries, which of course I have none of. A minor meltdown ensues, while he tries to jam double A's into triple A sockets, I try to convince him to please take one of his other music sources ( and make a mental note to PICK UP TRIPLE A BATTERIES) He is having none of it, so I run upstairs and try to find a remote control with triple A batteries so he will calm down. Meanwhile the cat is squirming in and out of my path, crying and begging to be fed. Finally, I have to leave, and I am leaving Zach with Ronnie till his bus comes because I am now late, so is Ron and so is the bus. I get in my car, look and of course the gas tank is on empty. I drive to work, my mind concentrating on everything but the road, I start thinking about all of the tasks I need to do once I get to work. I am praying that Ron doesn't call me to tell me of another catastrophe caused by a glich in the routine. I walk into work, look around to see if anyone is looking, if they aren't I sign in at regular time even though I am about 7 minutes late ( which isn't bad when you think about what I went through to get there) I sit down at my desk EXHAUSTED, and some well meaning friend comes to me and says, boy you missed a spot in the back of your hair, it's all straight except for one big nappy curl. I laugh it off but mentally I am either thinking "screw you" OR I start feeling sorry for myself and start remembering the days when I actually cared about what I looked like and how I presented myself. It begins to dawn on me that I mentally and physically just put in a full shift , yet it is only 8:20 AM. I am still miffed about the hair comment, I didn't pack anything for lunch, but it doesn't matter because my lunch will be spent running out for Triple a batteries, or was it double A batteries? Will I have enough gas to get to the store and get back to work, or will I need to stop on the way? Through all of these days, I come to find out that the funding for my job was going to be cut and the job I was offered required almost double the amount of work as my old one, the need to be at work a half hour earlier each day and a pay cut of $3.00 less per hour.
Now they say that the universe gives you sign posts all of the time to guide you on what direction your life should be going in. The universe was clobbering me over the head with a baseball bat. I just couldn't keep this up anymore. I was scared to death to do it, but I summoned up the blind faith to say enough is enough is enough is enough. With no particular plan in place, I listened to my inner voice which used to whisper, but lately began to shout " take a leap of faith, stop putting all your energy into NOTHING, remember the definition of insanity" ( doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) and just let it go! Trust that something bigger is at play. So I did, and here I am sitting at my computer watching the sun come through the window, and sharing with all of my dear readers how I got to where I am right now. I pray that I made the right choice. I am going to follow my heart and write, I am going to write and share until I can't write and share any longer. I am changing how I look at everything, being practical, logical, and untrue to myself, was not working. It was affecting my ability to parent, to be a friend, a daughter, a lover and a person who has more to give than just going through the motions everyday to stay stagnant, broke, unfullfilled and unhappy. I have no idea where this road may take me, it may bring me to foreclosure on my home, it may ruin my already damaged credit, it may make people think I have lost my mind, but that is a chance i decided I am willing to take. I will never know where it would lead if I didn't take the leap. For now, I am enjoying being a stay at home mom for the first time in 17.5 years. So let's see where this takes me. Thanks to eveyone who has been following this blog. It is very therapeutic for me to write, and I can't wait to see where this change takes me, one thing I know for sure, I would never know unless I put my fear aside and took the leap.
Some mornings I would send Zach into the shower while I ran around trying to pull my self together ( a task that gets harder and harder as the years go by) I would give him about 20 minutes in the shower before I would go in and supervise and make sure he is washing up and not just playing around. So I would hear the shower running, knock on the door thinking that he was in the shower, only to find him sitting nude on the toilet, with a towel over his head laughing his ass off. These moments are sweet and funny but not when you have that constant tick tick tick of the clock in your ear. So I start yelling, Zach!!!! The bus is going to be here in 15 minutes you still have to shower, take your meds, eat, brush your teeth, get dressed, and then start your routine of finding the perfect electronic music device that you are going to take to school that day. UGH! So the panic would start to creep in, and I would start pushing and prodding and put him in the shower and wash him up my self, ( yep thats what I have to do ) Meanwhile anything I did myself to my hair or makeup was imediately ruined by the steam of the shower and the sweating and panicking of not getting to work on time. Zach has no concept of time, nor does he care about time, he moves along slowly enjoying the cool water and the soapy loofah while I am getting out his meds, putting toothpaste on his brush, running outside to my trunk to get his lunch and snack that I had to hide so he wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night and eat it. I still have to get dressed, get my stuff together, I go to get his clothes that I carefully laid out the night before, only to find that he found them and threw them down the cellar and mixed them nicely in with the dirty laundry laying in the basket. I try to find him different clothes only to realize that they are all thrown down the cellar and mixed in with the dirty clothes. By this time, I am going through the clothes trying to find the cleanest dirty ones, throw them in the dryer with a fresh dryer sheet, get him out of the shower only to find that there are no clean towels, despite the fact that I just washed them all the day before. (Zach has a habit of getting up in the middle of the night, and he has himself quite the little party, he takes a few showers, changes into new clothes each time he does and throws the clothes and the towels in the basement when he is done with them.) So I am doing all of this, meanwhile the damn cat is so pissed that I haven't fed him yet, he is running through my legs trying to trip me. I am drying Zach off with my robe, because it is the only dry thing in the house, I convince him to please take his meds before he brushes his teeth, cuz, well it just seems like it would be more pleasant for him that way. He takes his meds,, starts to brush his teeth, I run upstairs and look in my closet and hate everything I own, plus I look like I just ran the new york marathon and I figure you can't shine shit, so I throw on whatever I can find, not even remembering that I may have worn the same outfit one day prior. I come downstairs and Zach is still nude brushing his teeth and taking his own sweet time. I run down the cellar to get the clean dirty clothes out of the dryer all the while looking at the huge piles of laundry that will be waiting for me when I get home from work. I have to get him get dressed, realize his shorts are on backwards ( and by this time, I couldn't care less), his socks are not as white as I would have liked them to be. He has stubble growing all over his face, even though I swear I shaved him the day before yesterday. I take a big gulp of coffee which has been sitting there for twenty minutes, only to discover it is ice cold. I can't find my keys, the clock is ticking, the bus is late, his mp3 player is dying, I have a bag full of double A batteries, but the one he wants to take to school today requires TRIPLE A batteries, which of course I have none of. A minor meltdown ensues, while he tries to jam double A's into triple A sockets, I try to convince him to please take one of his other music sources ( and make a mental note to PICK UP TRIPLE A BATTERIES) He is having none of it, so I run upstairs and try to find a remote control with triple A batteries so he will calm down. Meanwhile the cat is squirming in and out of my path, crying and begging to be fed. Finally, I have to leave, and I am leaving Zach with Ronnie till his bus comes because I am now late, so is Ron and so is the bus. I get in my car, look and of course the gas tank is on empty. I drive to work, my mind concentrating on everything but the road, I start thinking about all of the tasks I need to do once I get to work. I am praying that Ron doesn't call me to tell me of another catastrophe caused by a glich in the routine. I walk into work, look around to see if anyone is looking, if they aren't I sign in at regular time even though I am about 7 minutes late ( which isn't bad when you think about what I went through to get there) I sit down at my desk EXHAUSTED, and some well meaning friend comes to me and says, boy you missed a spot in the back of your hair, it's all straight except for one big nappy curl. I laugh it off but mentally I am either thinking "screw you" OR I start feeling sorry for myself and start remembering the days when I actually cared about what I looked like and how I presented myself. It begins to dawn on me that I mentally and physically just put in a full shift , yet it is only 8:20 AM. I am still miffed about the hair comment, I didn't pack anything for lunch, but it doesn't matter because my lunch will be spent running out for Triple a batteries, or was it double A batteries? Will I have enough gas to get to the store and get back to work, or will I need to stop on the way? Through all of these days, I come to find out that the funding for my job was going to be cut and the job I was offered required almost double the amount of work as my old one, the need to be at work a half hour earlier each day and a pay cut of $3.00 less per hour.
Now they say that the universe gives you sign posts all of the time to guide you on what direction your life should be going in. The universe was clobbering me over the head with a baseball bat. I just couldn't keep this up anymore. I was scared to death to do it, but I summoned up the blind faith to say enough is enough is enough is enough. With no particular plan in place, I listened to my inner voice which used to whisper, but lately began to shout " take a leap of faith, stop putting all your energy into NOTHING, remember the definition of insanity" ( doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) and just let it go! Trust that something bigger is at play. So I did, and here I am sitting at my computer watching the sun come through the window, and sharing with all of my dear readers how I got to where I am right now. I pray that I made the right choice. I am going to follow my heart and write, I am going to write and share until I can't write and share any longer. I am changing how I look at everything, being practical, logical, and untrue to myself, was not working. It was affecting my ability to parent, to be a friend, a daughter, a lover and a person who has more to give than just going through the motions everyday to stay stagnant, broke, unfullfilled and unhappy. I have no idea where this road may take me, it may bring me to foreclosure on my home, it may ruin my already damaged credit, it may make people think I have lost my mind, but that is a chance i decided I am willing to take. I will never know where it would lead if I didn't take the leap. For now, I am enjoying being a stay at home mom for the first time in 17.5 years. So let's see where this takes me. Thanks to eveyone who has been following this blog. It is very therapeutic for me to write, and I can't wait to see where this change takes me, one thing I know for sure, I would never know unless I put my fear aside and took the leap.
6 comments:
This was a good one...are you submitting these as articles? It was powerful...you had me in full blown anxiety as if I were living your day trying to manage it all! Please be courageous enough to start sending these out to magazines and keeping a file! You were born to write!
Awww thanks so much Auntie Raye, Your belief in me keeps me going. I definitely have the courage to submit, I just need to find out where. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. luv you!
http://www.articlesbase.com/submit-articles.php
http://autismarticles4me.blogspot.com/
I am not even sure if this would work, but certain blogspots have thousands of readers so you can get a larger audience to follow you if you can get your work on these sites. Let me know what you think..,this is just a start to get your blogs out there!
Lesa, I always knew your routine was exhausting, but I when I read it, it really hit home. welcome to your world, I'm sooo happy with your deciscion to leave that thankless rat race you were running. it does my heart good to see you writing and sharing, your real passion. Don't really know how you pulled this marathon off all these years. God bless you,love you, Mom
Love this Lesa. Keep on being true to you and you will keep that peace. I have such faith in you and your talent.
I admire your courage and faith.
Reading your blog was so realistic that I could vision your actions and almost felt I was going through the motions with you.You have a gift for writing and doo what that little voice inside is telling you and with your faith and courage you will come out on the other side a winner.follow your dream.
Keeping you in prayer.Winn
Post a Comment