Be still

It's weird not working, I wake up every morning and look out and think oh my god, thank you for not making me go out into the world and deal with all the bullshit of the day.  Do I deserve to not work?  I don't want to work for someone else and have them make decisions that impact my life, without even taking my life into account and that is what happens when you work for someone else.   It really is drudgery!  Sure you meet some great people and make lasting friendships but by believing all the hype about having a steady job with secure income and secure benefits etc, it really is a lie.  Nothiing is secure, nothing is steady and relying on someone else to decide what you are worth just makes for misery.  I can't help but judge myself sometimes because I am so conditioned to believe that your worth is based on your work and what you do and how lazy you are or aren't and whether or not you are a good little compliant employee.  UGH!  I get mad at myself sometimes because I am home alone and LOVING it, playing around listening to music, writing, thinking, dreaming, I can't help but wonder if that is so bad?  Why do I sometimes feel like a lazy bum, when I am doing what I love to do and being a better parent, because of it.  I am no longer exhausted and resentful, and that has to be a good thing.  There has to be a place for me in this world where I can earn and enjoy making my living.  There has to be a place for all of us where we use our God given talents to contribute to our lives and our work and not resent it.  I am on a mission to find this middle ground, and I am on a mission to put all my thoughts about what I "should" be doing on hold, and kind of just live and be and trust that the right opportnity has already come along and it isn't something out there, it is something inside that I already know but will only be revealed to me if I am open enough to allow it to come out.   Much of this self discovery is due to my son's autism.  He deserves a mom who is happy and well taken care of inside and out.  I never lost the ability to want to play.  I love to dance around the house singing at the top of my lungs, or sitting home alone, playing with my hair and a curling iron and seeing what I can do with no one around to bother me.  I love stealing a cat nap or watching my favorite old sitcoms or music videos on you tube.  I love to write and think and explore where I am and what got me here.  Everyone deserves this kind of life and I would be the first person to encourage someone to take that chance.  I have a ways to go wih accepting that I am worth it and that I do not have to struggle and fight and resent and earn the right to play.  Usually my best ideas, plans, luck etc come out when I step aside and allow.  When I give up the struggle and surrender to the impulses inside of  me that say, relax, take it easy, "be still and know that I just 'am'" Be still and know that I am , Be still and know that I am Be still and know that I am .  Yet it bears repeating one last time, Be still and know that I am .