More than just a haircut

Ok, I am one of those moms who cringe at old school pictures especially of the boys that I knew, with those god damn homemade haircuts. UGH, What were our parents thinking when they did this. I swore I would never do that and I was never even taught to cut hair so...........
Anyway I'm giving Zach his haircut last night (ahhhh the irony) I get this big rain poncho and I put it on him. I set the lights on high in the kitchen, put a little music on to set the mood and I start asking him in my BEST impersonation of a high powered MALE overzealous hairdresser exactly what he would like me to do with his hair. Well he is just cracking up laughing, and I don't know if he gets the joke or what but he is just hysterical. So I start clipping his hair, and I do not know what happens when I cut Zach's hair but something comes over me and I BECOME A HAIRSTYLIST. There I am clipping and blending and changing the guard settings on the clippers. Then I finish him up and start trimming the back and blending the bottom, cleaning it all up, nice and fresh and clean. I stand back and I can't believe how absolutely gorgeous it looks. It boggles my mind, because I swear I have no idea what the hell I am doing. And he is just the best customer in the world. " Zach, put your head up, put it down, look up, look down, sit still, stay still, look at me and there he is like a trooper." So I decide to get the electric razor out and give him a prefect shave. He has sporadic patches of hair under his neck, some patches thicker than others, all kinds of hair growing off of his chinny chin chin, the start of a mustache, the beginnings of a uni-brow. My boy is becoming a MAN. he will be 18 on the 6th of December and I remember a time when he wouldn't sit still for one second. Now he is concerned about how he looks, letting me use my eyebrow trimmer to trim that uni-brow and skim the little hairs growing on top of his ears ( just little light fuzzys nothing gross). So I take off the rain poncho, slap on a little aftershave and this kid looks like a million dollars. He helps me after I sweep up the hair by getting the dust buster and cleaning up all the little tiny ones I couldn't sweep. Then this is where it gets really funny, I tell him to look at himself in the bathroom mirror and I see him there staring at himself really pleased with the job his mom has done. Then, he starts running around the house like a lunatic happy as a clam. You know how a dog acts after they get a bath, they just go crazy running around? Well that is what he does and it is so cute. As I watch him zooming around the house, I realize that there was a time when haircuts were such an ordeal, I dreaded taking him, I would tell the stylist to just do the best they could with all of the squirming, and now my little man sits for me like a trooper and lets me work my magic. Now I don't know what a real professional stylist would think of the haircut, but I gotta admit, I am pretty damn proud of the job I do. I morph into a hairdresser every time he sits down in that chair and it is just such a labor of love for me to do. I will post a picture when he gets home, if I can figure out how. Now school picture day is Thursday and I have long stopped getting his picture done. He has a fake smile that is downright scary and every time he sees a camera that is what he does. Yuck, I don't like it, so I decline, especially since one time they actually sent me his package of pictures home and he was crying his eyes out. Hello? Am I supposed to include those pictures in our Christmas Cards? I know the photog is busy and doesn't have a lot of time, but if I were them I just would feel so guilty sending a pre-payed package home of a child crying his eyes out and expect the parent to pay for it. Those sorts of things used to depress me so much and make me feel the sting of his disorder. One time they took the class picture of his small autistic support class and the teacher was actually in the process of chasing a child to get him in the picture and that was the picture they took and sent home. So no more of that! It is insulting and ridiculous that they couldn't take another shot. Are these kids that unimportant that they don't feel a parent would be crushed by getting a picture like that? So rather than dread picture day, I just don't do it anymore, I give him his haircut and get him all spruced up, then I will take the picture with my ipad or my digital and make sure I have him in a natural pose laughing or just being himself. There is a magic that us moms of special needs children possess, we can do the impossible, we become therapists, doctors, nurses, hairstylists, teachers, advocates, photographers, multi-taskers and saints.  We are also able to size up any situation and make a very close prediction of what may happen , so we are also prophets and psychics.  We can do anything.  Next time we are concentrating on never underestimating our child, let's do ourselves a  favor and stop underestimating ourselves as well.  There is a power that comes from within that is beyond words.  Today suspend the guilt, the worry the uncertainty and celebrate. We are a group who becomes softer, the harder life gets, we become tougher everytime we are put in a situation that makes us feel weak.  We become motivated and energized by our challenges.  It's no accident that we can morph into things that are unexplainable.  My usual ending to my blogs is how lucky we are to have our children, today, lets flip it, how lucky are they to have us??????????

I am turning into such a sap, but I love it

Did you ever wake up and just out of no where, a wave of anxiety comes over you that almost knocks you the ground, and tries to consume you whole? That happened to me this morning, I started thinking about Christmas and how it used to be with so many loved ones who were once such a part of my life now gone, I started remembering how fun it was to have Christmas Club money and go out and buy presents and decorate and have that innocent spirit, and want to play Christmas songs and all that jazz, and lately it has just been such a different kind of feeling. Missing loved ones, never enough money for everyday expenses let alone Christmas presents, then the ripple effect starts with how am I going to pay this and who is gonna take care of Zach when I have to get another job, and ugh! All that BS, Luckily this morning I was able to stop it dead in it's tracks and realize it was just a trick my mind was playing on me. So I took a few deep breaths and started to pray for that miracle, today's miracle was just praying for the trust I have been yearning for. The trust that no matter what is happening outside of myself, inside there is a place of peace that no one can touch. Meditation is really under-rated, just quieting your mind and letting each worry pop in the air like popping
a balloon is a very powerful anecdote to anxiety. I also have a visual that I use that really helps me that I would love to share. I imagine myself in this room, that is decorated with all sorts of neat things, it is the perfect temperature and it smells of all of my favorite things, vanilla, sage, Cinnamon, citrus, baked cookies, any smell I can think of that brings
me happiness. So I am in this room and there is a washing machine in the room, I prefer my washing machine to look like a big red apple, ( don't ask, maybe its because I love my IPAD so much I don't know) So i go over to my big red apple and picture myself putting all of my problems and fears into this beautiful red apple that has that wonderful apple pectin smell. I visually can see the fears in my mind, money worries, health concerns, general anxiety, fear of failure,all of the stuff that worries me so deeply and put them in the machine one by one. Once they
are In that machine, it starts to play beautiful music and I imagine them all not disappearing but being cleansed, renewed, reformed, rejuvenated, cleaned and purified into managable parts that I can work with. I cannot tell you how much this visual has helped me. I program my mind that once these problems are put into this special machine, I no longer have
to worry about them. They are being cleansed. I use this technique a lot and it helps. It
helps me to fall asleep at night. I swear if I close my eyes and think deeply enough I can
actually smell the bleach ( which for some reason is one of my favorite scents). So I did this
this morning, then I found a beautiful rendition of How Great Thou Art sung by Carrie
Underwood and I bought it from the i tunes store. I grabbed a blanket and pleaded with Zach to
snuggle up with me. WE put our headphones on and listened as this beautiful humbling song
played into our minds. He layed with me so quiet and still and the words were so beautiful
they just stung my eyes with tears and I felt so humble. How small my problems all began to
seem. I guess my point is that we all have those feelings of dread and doom and gloom, and they are not fun, but it is what we do with them that matters. Sure we can get up and start to distract ourselves by shopping, cleaning, watching TV or whatever we do to take our minds off of our worries but isn't it so much better to acknowledge them and release them. If it needs to be done every day isn't it worth it? The next step is THE hardest and that is getting back on with your everyday life with the trust in place that I did something about them today. I didn't just mask them and try to forget about them. I mentioned before, these feelings come up for a reason, and if they don't come up, how are they going to come out. It may take everyday to do this but I am convinced that a few minutes in the morning or anytime during the day can make for a much more relaxing mood where I may actually have the right mindset to do productive things about my problems that are not a desperate attempt fueled by worry but are a genuine attempt fueled by trust. And THAT is what makes the whole difference. So for today again, I choose to trust that what is happening is happening for a reason. It can't hurt, it can only help. We are all a work in progress and I am so in awe of my son, who genuinely lives for the moment, he has no regrets of the past and no worries of the future, he is engaged right now in the present. He is so much more in tune with the divine. Our snuggling session this morning made me feel like I was in the presence of something so much greater than all of the sickening worries of the world. I was brought to my knees by gratitude and the feelings of anxiety began to melt away, until the next time, which I am sure there will be, but rather than fight it, I am going to roll with it and see where it takes me. Have a great day everyone, and keep that feeling of gratitude in your heart no matter how hard. Real life can be such a bitch sometimes, I have not become a sap, I just feel more comfortable and relieved handing over my control to a power that works FOR me and not AGAINST me. I have some very cute Zach stories that will be coming up in future posts, and I am so stoked about my new website, so stay tuned.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, I know I did. zach ate wayyyy too much, he is sort of hung over this afternoon, suffering from what I think is a food hangover.  I'm feeling much the same way today, kind of hard to get moving this morning, just sitting around drinking coffee and surfin the web.
I wanted to explain to everyone what had happened with the initial ad-click campaign I had going with Google Ad-Sense.  We were doing very very well, I scored almost 300.00 in less than a week and that is thanks to all of you faithful readers.  The money was going to be used for Christmas, because being unemployed does not leave much room for anything else but barely scraping by with the bills.  So one morning I was checking the balance on my Google Ad-sense account, and it read that my account had been shut down due to illegal activity.  Now I could not understand what illegal activity it possibly could mean, so I appealed the situation, they wrote me back saying that there are numerous reasons that they could do this.  Maybe someone who previously used this service was shut down, and if they happened to click on one of my links, that automatically made me disqualified, another possible reason was if two people from the same household, both clicked on an ad at different times and because they check the IP address of every click, that could have possibly been another reason.  They just would not give me any specifics as to why MY account was shut down, all I know is I made them 300.00 and they refused to pay me.  Can anyone spell SCAM?  I was so excited that I would be getting paid for doing what I loved, and very disappointed that they would abruptly shut me down and refuse to pay. Being that they do not have to give you a reason, I would advise against anyone joining their services.  It seemed too good to be true and well you know I guess if it seems that way it usually is. I did report them to the CA Attorney Generals office and I am going to leave them to take any action that they see fit.  There is no sense getting all riled up over someting I can't control.  So I want to thank everyone for their help, you all came through like troopers and unfortunately SOMEONE benefited from all those clicks, it just wasnt' me.  I joined with another advertising company who seems much more reputable, so please if you see their ads on my blog, feel free to click away.  This company starts you out slow, with some basic ads and the more traffic you generate, the more ads they will give you in the long run.  So it's back to square one.  I am going to be starting my advice blog, you have to know that this is something I always wanted to do.  I consider myself very intuitive when it comes to helping others, I may not have the right solution, but I can certainly help you maintain an attitude where it will move you in the right direction.  It's a passion of mine.  Since leaving social work a few months ago, i find that I miss the aspect of helping others and giving them motivation.  There are many things I do not miss but that is one piece that I really did love about my job.  I also studied tarot cards here and there for most of my life even back when I was a young teenager.  I really believe they can be spot on sometimes, and while they do not predict the future they give us insight and options into our issues, our strengths and our weaknesses.  I will be using them on my new sight as well.  I was informed yesterday by  good friend that mercury is in retrograde right now and that means this is not a good time to start any new projects, sign any contracts, and it is a good time to finish up old business.  Being slightly superstitious, I am going to follow this advice, so right now I am working on the new website and trying to make it ready to go, probably very soon.   I wanted to introduce it properly and ask everyone to please feel free to use it.  I am trying to work on getting some ads placed on the new one, and a pay pal donate button, so if you use it and feel it has helped you, feel free to donate whatever you can.  I am still trying to find my niche and make a living for my son doing something that I love.  I am hoping by giving a free service that will benefit myself and others this may be a catalyst into adventures that I would not even know existed if I didn't give this a try.  I have read some very wise quotes lately and I feel they have been coming to me for a reason, many of them saying things like "do what you love and don't do it for the money, if there is a service you can provide and you trust in the universe to lead you in the right direction, things will take care of themselves, money included."  That requires some deep trust but what have I got to lose ( except my house, my heat, my lights, my phone )  hahaha  just a joke.  Your life should be your career.  If you wake up each morning with anxiety and lack of enthusiasm for your job, it's a pretty good sign that you are not meant to be there.  I have done that for many years and it basically made me very resentful, very tired and I forgot who I was and what I really loved to do.  I am placing my ultimate trust in the universe, and I am inviting everyone to come along for the ride.  The website will be called "sprinkles of hope" it will be a sister of sorts to the good the bad and the beautiful, and what I am asking of you all is to keep following me especially if any of it resonates with you.  I hate to be weird and have a waiver saying I am not responsible for anything if I give someone some really shitty advice.  I am doing this with my BEST intentions, and I trust and have confidence that I can at least give some positive spin on anything that is not going right in your lives.  perhaps someday I will use this whole experience to write my first book that is a real dream of mine.  What I need from you all is participation and feedback, lots of feedback, good or bad, I can take it.  By all means share share share, if you know someone who needs some help and has no where to turn, point them in this direction.  I can only do this with readers and referrals,and you guys are the ones who can do that for me.  I love writing this blog, it makes me feel so alive.  There was a time when I was so afraid to share anything that I wrote, i was just too embarrassed.  I don't feel that way anymore, I feel empowered every time I sit down at this keyboard and begin to tap away.  Remember there will be no judgement, no breach of confidentiality, no ulterior motives, just a desire to  combine what I feel is my gift to share. So by all means you can start sending in any issues to my email of lshusta@aol.com just put sprinkles of hope in the subject title.  I will be compiling them and working on them and when the time is right, I will be posting and hoping that there is some fun, some healing and some good reads for everyone.  I can't do this alone.  So Bring it!  Love to all and please continue to follow me on this blog, if you haven't subscribed, please do so.